number 23

saw my first shooting star yesterday night during the perseid shower. we ended up on bull mountain on some guy's lawn on the side of the road, trying to avoid the city lights. very very cool.

and today, whitney left for utah. i'm going to miss you terribly. these past few days have truly been a blur. i walked across the street to your house to say goodbye, and it didn't seem quite real. i gave you a hug but was too shell-shocked to shed tears. i wish we had more time to spend together. 9 years. you, my friend, are my definition of steadfast.

but i'm not writing obituaries here. gah, but i'm starting to make references in the past tense. there's no need for that.

and then later ice cream at katlyn's, along with a bunch of old classmates. a lot of meaningless "where are you going, again? who's your roommate?" etc. ben and i came to the same conclusion about parties: we don't like them. i was ambivalent about most of the guests. i ended up feeling so very Gatsby (actually, i felt a whole lot more like Nick).

but there are so many good people. last week, i was upset over a loss that i really shouldn't have dwelt upon. but strangely, the cure i was searching for came out of shopping with john, probably the least philosophically compatible friend i have.

valuable relationships engineer change. well, not necessarily change, but growth. after four years, i've learned so much from both of them. john and i rarely talk seriously, most of the time because we're too consumed by arguments. but we really saw heart to heart on the events of senior year, although from contrasting vantage points. i guess that doesn't make any sense.

and we didn't even have to talk about what was bothering me. the comfort of an old friendship was enough of a catalyst to force me to recognize exactly how much i've got.

but as for my revelation: if it's not transformative, it's hardly worth the pain. what values do the memories hold if no change emerged?

but the lessons i learned this time i taught myself. the relationship was a conduit, but never a source.

and i've decided that purposeful stoicism isn't always a strength. in fact, it can be a character flaw. no man is an island, and no man should be.

and by man i most definitely mean both sexes. and by character flaw, i am most definitely referring to myself.